THIS PAGE CONTAINS AN ABSOLUTELY TRUE (WITH ALTERNATIVE FACTS) PARTIAL LIST OF TRUMP ANCESTORS THROUGH HISTORY, COMPILED AT GREAT EXPENSE AND PERSONAL SACRIFICE BY OUR CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTIST PEOPLE.
It IS BECOMING SUSPECTED BY MANY UNIDENTIFIED PEOPLE, THAT UNLIKE MOST OF HUMANKIND, TRUMP IS DESCENDED FROM AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT BRANCH OF THE PRIMATE FAMILY.
WHEN A TALK SHOW HOST RECENTLY SUGGESTED THE POSSIBILITY, TRUMP SUED, BUT THEN SUDDENLY AND INEXPLICABLY, HE DROPPED THE CASE! (UNWINNABLE?). AS USUAL, WE DECIDE, THEN REPORT.
ORANGUTANS ARE THE CON ARTISTS OF THE APE WORLD, AND GENERALLY CONSIDERED GAUCHE, ESPECIALLY BY GORILLAS (BUT THEN THEY'RE SNOBS). STILL, IT COULD BE ARGUED THAT TRUMP IS NOT ENTIRELY TO BLAME FOR TRUMP. STUDIES ARE UNDERWAY NOW. PLEASE HELP!*
*THIS COULD ALSO EXPLAIN WHY HIS STAFF IS REQUIRED TO HAVE AN EXTENSIVE BACKGROUND IN ANTHROPOLOGY, OR HAVE WORKED AT A ZOO.. OR GONE TO A ZOO.. OR KNOW WHAT A ZOO IS.
ORIGINALLY NAMED DONIUS CUTTIUS cHEESER, MEANING "ONE WHO FLATULATES" IN ANCIENT rOMAN, ORANGE JULIUS CHANGED HIS NAME TO LAY CLAIM TO kinship WITH THE better-branded caesar FAMILY, WHO UNSURPRISINGLY, VIGOROUSLY DENIED IT.
INVOLVED IN VARIOUS REAL ESTATE SCHEMES, HE SPECIALIZED IN MUD-AND-BRICK TRACT DEVELOPMENTS FOR GLADIATORS, BEING AMONG THE FIRST TO SEE THE BENEFITS OF A potential SELLERS MARKET WITH FAST TURNOVER.
hE tried passing himself ofF as SPEWS, COUSIN OF ZEUS, the god of BLOWHARDS, but was considered by his neighbors TO BE "NOT MUCH FOR TRUTH-TELLING". undaunted, he launched a NUMBER of OTHER unsuccessful VENTURES, including MANUFACTURING A POTION HE CLAIMED WOULD INCREASE HAND SIZE.
HE WAS LAST SPOTTED around 79 AD, AT ONE OF HIS SITES BOASTING "GREAT VIEWS" OF MT. VESUVIUS.
HE HAD BEEN trying to straighten out A problem WITH THE MONEY LENDERS .
The ABOVE pORTRAIT was created by the terrible, really bad, not very good renaissance artist, DONALDO Trumpelangelo (PICTURED), who WAS A descendant (though why ANYONE would EVEN admit THAT, isn't worth mentioning or DOCUMENTING, MUCH LESS IMMORTALIZING ON A WEB PAGE).
widely-unknown, despite his unusual pallor, gait similar to an overgrown baby huey, AND FONDNESS for overvaluing his "brand" (HE also claimed to have invented straws).
TRUMPELANGELO was unceremoniously booted from the TOWNSHIP in THE YEAR 1520.
JEALOUS STEP-SISTER OF POCAHONTAS, SHE CLAIMED TO BE TELAPATHETIC AND MAY ALSO HAVE POSSESSED PSYCHOTIC POWERS.
OFTEN TAKING CREDIT FOR THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF HER SIBLING, SHE DEVELOPED A DESIRE FOR REVENGE THAT WOULD LAST LONG BEYOND HER LIFETIME.
"I'LL GET YOU, POCAHONTUS!" SHE SWORE, "IT MAY NOT BE TODAY. IT MAY NOT BE TOMORROW. IT MAY NOT BE THE DAY AFTER THAT. IT MAY NOT BE THE DAY AFTER THAT. IT MAY NOT BE THE DAY AFTER THAT..."
Not much is known about Dumly, except that he was considered "DIM, YET CRAFTY".
HE ALSO possessed one CHARACTERISTIC, SHARED BY EVERY MEMBER OF THE TRUMPLyS; NOt one of them HAS EVER SAID ANYTHING FUNNY, NOT even by accident. THAT IS GENIUS. SHEER, STABLE GENIUS.
SADLY OR NOT, He met his fate on his VERY first practice voyage, when he was swept overboard by a GIANT, BLUE wave, WHILE PRACTICING "LOO" MANEUVERS.
STILL MYSTERIOUS IS THAT THE DISASTER OCCURRED on dry land.
OUR TEAM WAS UNABLE TO DETERMINE THE AUTHENTICITY OF "SON OF tRUMPENSTEIN".
IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION YOU CAN SHARE THAT WOULD FURTHER OUR KNOWLEDGE OF THIS ELUSIVE, HANDSOME FELLOW, CONTACT US.
WE ARE AWARDING ONE FREE "COVFEFE AND HAMBERDER" COUPON TO ANYONE WITH VERIFIABLE PROOF.
IF THE PROOF CANNOT BE CONFIRMED, THE REWARD IS TWO COUPONS.
Ronaldo "poco" naranjas (or "tiny" oranges), WAS ONE OF tRUMP'S ANCESTORS from Spain, not Mexico.
HE WAS A GREAT goatfighter, if goatfighters can be considered great.
In his only professional match, he was head-butted by A female GOAT, who treated him very unfairly. he had to retire FROM THE ARENA.
naysayers claimed he ran AWAY, which would have been understandable if it had happened, THOUGH HE SWORE it NEVER DID, and besides, they were "nunca naranjas" politicos.
WHEN OTHER WITNESSES CAME FORTH DISPUTING HIS CONCLUSIONS, HE declared IT WAS ALL PART OF THE PLAN, THEY WERE ALL LIARS AND HIS FAME CONTINUED TO GROW FOR NO GOOD REASON, if ONE COULD call it that.
AS FAR AS IS KNOWN, hE NEVER BATTLED ANOTHER GOAT.
NICKNAMED "THE INFANT", NOT BECAUSE HE WAS YOUNG, BEING OLDER THAN "THEM THAR HILLS", BUT RATHER BECAUSE NOBODY THOUGHT HIM DEVELOPED ENOUGH TO BE CONSIDERED A TODDLER, OR A CHILD (CERTAINLY NOT A KID) AND BESIDES, HE WASN'T A GUNFIGHTER, OR FIGHTER, UNLESS THROWING A TANTRUM (TAN-TRUMP?) COULD BE THOUGHT OF AS FIGHTING.
FOUNDED "TRUMP OIL OF THE SNAKE" (TOOTS) UNIVERSITY, AND SOLD DEEDS TO several "CAN'T MISS" GOLDMINES, THE LATTER FOR WHICH HE WAS LATER THROWN IN JAIL, DESPITE HIS PROTESTS OF "NEWS FAKERY" AND BIAS AGAINST "SIMPLE FOLK" WITH BAD PERSONALITIES.
NOBODY WANTED TO LET HIM OUT, SO THEY JUST LEFT HIM THERE, TRUMP-FREE AGAIN.
ANOTHER MYSTERIOUS FIGURE IN THE FAMILY HISTORY, IS "MAMA" TRUMP.
WHETHER OR NOT SHE IS TRUMP'S MAMA IS UNCERTAIN, THOUGH THEY DO BEAR A STRIKING RESEMBLANCE, ESPECIALLY AROUND THE EYEBROWS.
IT IS SAID BY MANY PEOPLE, THAT SHE WAS THE INSPIRATION FOR THE LEWIS CARROLL POEM "HIS FATHER WAS A SLUMLORD, HIS MOTHER WAS AN APE".
A SELF-MADE SUCCESS, TRUMP STARTED OUT WITH A MODEST ONE MILLION DOLLAR LOAN AND FOUR HUNDRED MILLION DOLLAR INHERITANCE FROM HIS FATHER.
DECLARING BANKRUPTCY A MERE SIX TIMES, HE MANAGED TO BUILD AN EMPIRE OF STEAKS, MONEY LAUNDERING, WATER, BRANDING PROPERTIES, STRAWS, MONEY LAUNDERING AND TRUMP UNIVERSITY.
HOW HE MANAGED IT, WITH HIS MENTAL GENIUS, IS ANYONE'S GUESS, AND HAVING VERY COMPLICATED TAXES, LOANS AND CO-SIGNERS (OOPS!), THAT DEMOCRATS WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND, IS WHY HE HELPFULLY THWARTS EVERY ATTEMPT TO INVESTIGATE HIM. THAT, AND BEING UNDER A LIFETIME AUDIT. HIS STORIES CHANGE ALMOST DAILY.