TRUMP ANCESTORS

IT HAS BEEN SUSPECTED BY MANY, THAT TRUMP IS DESCENDED FROM ORANGUTANS.

ORANGUTANS ARE KNOWN AS THE CON ARTISTS OF THE PRIMATE WORLD, AND CONSIDERED GAUCHE, ESPECIALLY BY LOWLAND GORILLAS (BUT THEN, THEY'RE SNOBS).

TRUMP, THEREFORE, IS NOT TO BLAME FOR HIMSELF.

STUDIES ARE UNDERWAY NOW. PLEASE, GIVE WHAT YOU CAN.

TRUMP FUN FACT: HIS MOST SUCCESSFUL EMPLOYEES, WHICH INCLUDE EVERYONE IN AMERICA, HAVE A BACKGROUND IN ANTHROPOLOGY, OR HAVE BEEN TO THE ZOO, OR KNOW WHAT A ZOO IS.

ONE OF TRUMP'S EARLIEST KNOWN ANCESTORS. ORANGE JULIUS CAESAR SPECIALIZED IN LEASING CONDOS TO GLADIATORS.

HE WAS LAST SPOTTED AROUND 79 AD, ARGUING WITH MONEY LENDERS AT ONE OF HIS UNITS OVERLOOKING MT. VESUVIUS.

RENAISSANCE ARTIST OF LITTLE RENOWN AND EVEN LESS TALENT.

CREATED A REALLY BAD BUST OF HIS ANCESTOR, ORANGE JULIUS CAESAR (AVAILABLE FOR VIEWING ON THE "IMAGES" PAGE. IT CAN ALSO BE PRINTED, ALTHOUGH WHY ANYONE WOULD, IS QUESTIONABLE).

LOVELY AND VIVACIOUS STEP-SISTER OF HER FAMOUS, AND MUCH MORE LIKABLE RIVAL, POCAHONTAS.

SHE MAY HAVE POSSESSED PSYCHOTIC POWERS.

PIRATE APPRENTICE.

DIM, YET CRAFTY, HE WAS SWEPT OVERBOARD BY AN ENORMOUS, BLUE WAVE.

MAY, OR MAY NOT HAVE EXISTED.

ANYONE WHO CAN PROVIDE PROOF IS ENTITLED TO ONE COUPON GOOD FOR "COVFEFE AND A HAMBERDER".

THE RUNNER UP GETS TWO COUPONS.

HIS NAME LITERALLY TRANSLATES AS "TINY ORANGES" TRUMP.

HE WAS A SPANISH (NOT MEXICAN) GOAT FIGHTER.

HE RETIRED EARLY, DUE TO UNFAIR TREATMENT BY THE FAKE SPANISH MEDIA.

KNOWN AS "DON THE INFANT" BECAUSE HE SIMPLY DIDN'T DEMONSTRATE THE MATURITY NECESSARY TO BE CALLED "THE KID".

OLD WEST SNAKE-OIL SALESMAN.

SOLD CLAIMS TO NONEXISTENT GOLD MINES AND WAS IMPRISONED.

TRUMP'S FAVORITE ANCESTOR; AUTHORITARIAN, NARCISSISTIC, SELF-DEALING, POMPOUS, LOUD, BRUTISH, YET WITH A BAD PERSONALITY.

WE THOUGHT ABOUT OMITTING THIS ONE, BECAUSE IT'S MEAN, BUT THEN WE REALIZED WE DON'T CARE ABOUT TRUMP, OR WHAT HE THINKS.

WITH THE AID OF A SMALL, ONE MILLION DOLLAR LOAN, AND ANOTHER SMALL, FOUR HUNDRED MILLION DOLLAR INHERITANCE FROM HIS FATHER, "DON JOHN" BUILT AN EMPIRE OF STEAKS, MONEY LAUNDERING, WATER, REAL ESTATE SCAMS, AND MONEY LAUNDERING.

POSSESSED OF A STABLE GENIUS AND LARGE HANDS, THIS IS A MAN WHO WILL, HOPEFULLY, IN 2020, MOVE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE TO THE BIG HOUSE.

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